I have a confession to make.
Before I tell you what it is, I'll let you in on what making a confession like this means to someone like me.
I'm a Scorpio Dragon. Here's a brief peek at the inner me:
"Scorpios are extremely ambitious, persistent and fierce competitors. They are excellent at restoring order to a chaotic situation. Scorpios have a fear of failure which they keep hidden extremely well. Should their confrontation not be successful, or their career fail, they will simply use their adaptive skill to quickly move and and leave the bad experience behind.
Do not ever expect them to fess up or share their tale with anyone however because this shows signs of weakness and Scorpio always wins." - Zodiac-Signs-Astrology.com
Scorpio art by Ozgur Ustundag
"Dragons are proud, direct, and loaded with high ideals which they always try to live up to. In spite of being overly emotional, Dragons will just take it for granted that everyone loves them.
Although they are stubborn and irrational, they are not petty or begrudging. It's hard for them to hide their feelings. They don't even try.
Dragons consider themselves very strong. They will often bite off more than they can chew. When this happens, they are too proud to ask for help and exhaust themselves." - Rainfall.com
So here we come to the confession.
There is no way under the sun that I will be able to complete NaNoWriMo. I have 9 days left, and my word count is a paltry 9614. I had the flu this month - NaNo month. I was totally wiped out for three weeks. I didn't mention it here on my blog - "don't ever expect Scorpios to fess up because this shows signs of weakness."
My mind was filled with the Thursday Thirteens I did about the two world wars. Every day I felt like death warmed over, I thought of the soldiers and said to myself, Well, at least no one's shooting at me. That would be worse. Which is something I always do when I think I can't make it. I think of feeling the way I feel, only worse. Like: at least I'm not chained to a galley ship hauling on an oar all day. That would definitely be worse.
So I pushed myself, as I always do. But I pushed myself into work, rather than pushing my NaNo writing. I may be a stubborn idjit, but I'm no dummy. I missed two days of work but managed the rest. Everyone in my office fell like flies, missing work, with me covering their positions, feeling like death.
I was pleased by how I managed all of that, but for some reason my step-back logical brain that "restores order to a chaotic situation" would not cry uncle when it came to NaNoWriMo.
Most people who know me in person know how hard it is for me to admit defeat. I refuse to give up. I seem to have the basic Dragon inability to stop when the going gets tough.
"Dragons attract others because they are generous, charismatic and so brave that standing beside them banishes fear. They generate excitement and can help others achieve their dreams. Others love to be around Dragons because they have a way of making people feel better." - Lovegevity
I even make myself feel better - I give myself the same pep talks for which other people come to me. But this time I have to look reality unflinchingly in the eye.
I cannot write 40,000 words in 9 days.
There it is. I've said it. My confession. And believe me - that was hard.