Wordless Wednesday - 39

Poetry Train Monday - 40 - When I Remember My Dad

Last year at this time, my family and I were spending as much time as possible with my dad, Norman Phillips. He was in his last few weeks of life, passing away on March 24th from kidney cancer.

Of course, he's on my mind a lot. I'd like to share this poem which I wrote 20 years ago when I had moved to Toronto, spreading my wings and finding out who I was as a newly-fledged adult. I gave it to him for Father's Day, 1988. He carried this poem around with him for years, and showed it to all of his friends. More than once, I'm sure.


When I Remember My Dad


I remember
At the silliest times

Struggling with a jar of applesauce
I remember the annoyance
When I brought you a
Similar stubborn jar
You coached me to
Open myself
Rather than prove your brawn
"What if I wasn't here?"
You'd ask
"I'd eat something else instead - "

Yet the baby patiently waiting
For her lunch
Leaves me without glib options
I strain
Fuss
Burst blood vessels
Run it under hot water
Tap it with a knife
Until the lid pops
And I feel your hand on my shoulder

The panic I felt
When I looked behind me
Expecting to see you running
With one hand on the back of my bike
Instead you were half a block away
Waving and laughing
I hopped off
And stopped
Enraged that you should trick me
It wasn't until you caught up
That I realized
I no longer needed training wheels
I was free to pedal the streets
On my own

How well you were cast
As Mom's foil
Christmas morning and Easter
You were up with us before dawn
You let us roam ahead on the rocks
The menacing sea below
I felt your trust
Heard you quiet Mom's fears
And felt your gaze keeping tabs
Through the boulders between us

I listened and watched
You taught me to
Pitch a tent
Snorkle in the sea
Change a tire
Mow the lawn
Pack a truck
Wishing I was your son
For your sake

By showing me
How to dismantle a bedframe
You freed me from the yoke
Of depending on men
Leaving me the time
To be myself
The race to find my protector
Cancelled on account of independence

When you taught me to drive
You kept your hands off the dashboard
I assumed your air of confidence
Your hand on the emergency brake
A secret safety net
You gave me room
To make mistakes
Your blood pressure remained stable
Even when I stalled in third gear
At a lunchtime rush hour intersection

How hard it must have been
To put the transmission in drive
Press the gas
One last wave out the window
Leaving me to make my way
So far from you
When I've known all along
How you wanted to cradle me
Safe against your shoulder
How that hand
Must have bled
As you pulled it back through the window


Copyright - Julia Smith - 1988

In My Wildest Fantasies by Julianne MacLean

I just finished reading my cousin's latest historical romance yesterday morning on the bus ride into work. It only took me a week to gobble it up - which for me is really speedy.

This is the first of her new Pembroke Palace series, following the mad attempts of the Duke of Pembroke to break his family's curse and have all of his sons married off before Christmas. Devon Sinclair is the eldest son and the pressure is on to find himself a bride before his father uproots every last plant and shrub on the palace grounds to ward off the flood he fears is coming.

Devon is disturbed by his father's mental state when he returns from several years abroad in America. He needed to put some distance between himself and his brother Vincent after a tragic accident severed their familial bonds. But on his return, Devon finds that his father believes an ancient family curse is destined to carry them all away in the rising waters that have England drenched in an unrelentingly wet spring. This in itself would be distressing, but the duke has legally changed his will in order to force his sons' hands.

So Devon sets himself to the task at hand, delighted that a young neighbor, Rebecca Newland has arrived for the ball thrown by his father. He once came to her aid when she and her father, the Earl of Creighton, were stranded in a driver-less coach in a fog-shrouded wood. Devon has no idea the young lady has done nothing but dream of him every day since then.

Rebecca has grown up tucked away in her father's house, trying to help him cope with chronic pain and an aversion to leaving his home. She's compensated for her lack of society by feasting upon a diary she found secreted away, which tells the romantic and erotic tale of Lydie and her lover, Jess. Devon finds himself attracted to a woman who is technically an innocent - but not in her dreams.

This book is a true delight for all you fantasizers out there. I know I'm a card-carrying member. Imagine if you will the object of your girlish fantasies. Now just imagine if that very man appeared in person, was attracted to you (yes, YOU!), and Fate joined you to this man as an inheritance-preserving wife.

Don't stop there. Imagine if you read a scintillating diary to him, one you'd read to yourself over and over until you knew it by heart. Imagine if your dream man was no longer a dream - but flesh and blood, listening to you read those very words even as he makes them come to life with his own hands and lips. It's so mind-blowing and so hot it makes me melt.

Of course, nothing could work out so perfectly, and Julianne throws several nasty flies into this intoxicating ointment. But for now I'll leave you with an excerpt that shows you what could happen if your dream man walked into your bedroom - for real...


Excerpt


Oxfordshire, England, April 1874

" 'Why don't you turn to your favorite entry,' he said.

Seated on the edge of the bed, she looked up at him. I should not let this go further, she thought. I should ask him to leave.

She opened the book and flipped through the pages near the start, and began to read aloud.

'Dear Diary,
Today was my birthday, and Jess gave me a beautiful white stone he had found on a beach when he was a boy. He told me he'd been keeping it all these years just for me, even though we met only six months ago. I will never, ever part with it, Diary. Not as long as I live.

But that is not all that happened today, for I was very, very wicked, and if Mother and Father knew what I had done, they would surely send me away.'

Rebecca stopped reading and glanced up at Devon, who was listening attentively. She cleared her throat to continue.

'I never felt such wild desire and passionate yearnings in my body.'

Rebecca stopped reading again when Devon slowly sat down beside her.

'Continue,' he said.

Feeling the heat of his muscular thigh touching hers on the bed, she fought her own dizzying desires and swallowed nervously.

'He kissed the side of my neck while he eased me onto my back.'

Devon leaned closer and pressed his open mouth to her neck, just below the line of her jaw. His warm, wet tongue sent gooseflesh tingling down her body, as he suckled downward to the juncture at her shoulder.

She went weak all over, and was powerless to resist the lure of erotic sensation as he laid her down on the soft mattress.

'Keep reading,' he whispered between kisses as he tasted the base of her throat. Rebecca barely managed to hold the book open in front of her.

'He unbuttoned the top of my nightdress and kissed my breasts, until I was filled with such hunger, it was all I could do to keep from crying out.'

Devon had already begun to unbutton her gown, and quivering as she was with desire, she could not continue to hold the book. She let it fall to the bed and reached up to touch his face. She had wanted this for so long. He had been living in her heart for four lonely years.

With dark, mischievous seduction in his eyes he crawled over her on all fours. He began nuzzling her breasts with his lips and cheeks, tickling her with his hair, dropping wet kisses down the center of her trembling belly until she gasped with delight.

'What happens next?' he asked."

- Julianne MacLean, 2007

Thursday Thirteen - 45 - 13 Things About Chronic Migraine Pain

For the past two weeks I've been held in the piercing talons of a migraine. You may recall I've mentioned my recurring migraines from time to time. Unfortunately I react to barometric changes, especially incoming low pressure systems, and we've had very unsettled weather lately. By Monday I was so worn down I muddled my way home from work and found myself sitting on the couch crying for a good half hour. My husband held onto me until I felt like I could face the next hour again. If I could have chopped my head off I would have done it.

My Thursday Thirteen this week is a collection of information on migraines as well as eloquent artwork that says it all.


1 - "The term migraine is originally derived from the Greek word hemicrania, which means "half of the head." And, for 70 percent of migraine sufferers, the headache is unilateral or occurring on one side." - National Headache Foundation










2 - "Migraine headaches have been attributed to malfunctions of the brainstem nucleus, and brainstem pathways that affect nerves and blood vessels in the head. Thus, all of the patient's conditions could arise from malfunctions within the brainstem and most could be attributed to a single neurotransmitter, serotonin." - Frank M. Painter, D.C.

"The trigeminal nerve pathway carries nerve signals from the head and face to the brain. When a migraine is triggered, the trigeminal nerve releases neuropeptides causing inflammation and dilation of the blood vessels. Subsequently, trigeminal nerve endings stimulate the release of more neuropeptides and a vicious cycle is begun. Serotonin regulates pain messages via the trigeminal pathway. There is evidence that changed levels of serotonin (a neurotransmitter) may cause migraines." - AOL Hometown

Julia's note: My face often swells on the side where I experience the migraine - my right side.



3 - "Migraine sufferers are twice as likely to experience a stroke, compared to people who do not get this type of headache. People whose migraines are accompanied by auras, such as scintillating lights or other visual disturbances, are at somewhat higher risk of a future stroke than are those whose migraines do not produce auras." - University of Washington, Science Daily

Onset of stroke symptoms (Julia's note: these mimic the onset of my migraines exactly):
"Sudden numbness or weakness of the face, arm or leg, especially on one side of the body
Sudden confusion, trouble speaking or understanding
Sudden trouble seeing in one or both eyes
Sudden trouble walking, dizziness, loss of balance or coordination
Sudden, severe headache with no known cause" - American Heart Association


4 - "Migraineurs often experience auditory-related symptoms such as increased sensitivity to sounds and difficulty in processing auditory information. There is some evidence that there may be abnormalities in certain brain regions. Amplitude growth for auditory brainstem response (ABR) was larger for the migraine group. These results may suggest subtle, but enduring, abnormalities in the central auditory system in migraineurs." - Department of Speech and Hearing Sciences, University of North Texas, informaworld.com


5 - "A recent study entitled "The Effects of Weather on the Frequency and Severity of Migraine Headaches" conducted in Canada arrived at the following conclusions: A) "Phase 4" weather, characterized by a drop in barometric pressure, the passing of a warm front, high temperature and humidity and oftentimes rain, is closely associated with higher frequency and severity of Migraine attacks.
B) a high humidex discomfort index during the summer is associated with an increased frequency of Migraine attacks
C) wind from the southeast was shown to be associated with more attacks than wind from any other direction
D) a number of Migraine sufferers may be sensitive to extreme rates of barometric pressure changes." - Michael John Coleman and Terri Miller Burchfield, migraines.org

Painting by Peter Gachot




6 - "In the remote part of Washington State, in the community of Oak Harbor, a mother named Erika Miller was entertaining her little two year old daughter, Alana, when on Thursday night (September 13th, 2007) she had a break though Migraine which hit her very hard. "I remember feeling a little bit dizzy," she said. "Took two or three more steps and hit the floor."

It was reported that Baby Alana actually saw her mother Erika collapse in the next room. She then walked up to the coffee table, picked up the telephone and dialed 9-1-1. According to Petty Officer William Cummings, on the Naval Air Station Whidbey Island, "While she was on the phone she said 'Mommy ouch.'"

Petty Officer Cummings reacted to the two-year-old’s cryptic message. He checked out Alana's house only to find Erika on the floor, with young caller Alana in the other room, reportedly getting a blanket for her mom, who was shivering from the effects of an intractable Migraine attack. Paramedics took Erika to the hospital where she was released the same day.

Erika says she now has the correct medication, but says she finds comfort in knowing that Alana knows what to do in case of an emergency. According to KOMO-TV Erika said, "I was shocked to hear my 2-year-old had the ability and knowledge to call 911." - Michael John Coleman and Terri Miller Burchfield, MyMigraineConnection.com


7 - "Like so many people with chronic pain who have to keep a full-time job, mental disconnection was Hazel’s main way of coping. For her 24 years at the phone company, she put all of her energy every day into just getting through work 'like a robot' - a comparison she makes often - while keeping the pain a secret from most others. When she got home, she could do nothing but collapse." - Paula Kamen, NY Times

Photo by Dolores Neilson






8 - "I remember severe attacks that lasted for 19 days, and the acute pain was so intense that I couldn't sleep for four days. These are nightmarish memories." - Michael John Coleman, photographer

Julia's note: the squiggles in the lower righthand corner are what I see as a visual disturbance (minus the yellow color) when I'm having a migraine
Painting by Walther Morganthaler




9 - "In ancient Rome, patients with unbearable head pain were sometimes treated with jolts from the electricity-producing black torpedo fish, or electric ray.

Scribonius Largus, physician to Emperor Claudius, was a staunch advocate of the remedy. 'To immediately remove and permanently cure a headache, however long-lasting and intolerable, a live black torpedo is put on the place which is in pain, until the pain ceases and the part grows numb,' he wrote in the first century.

But recently, electrical or electromagnetic devices that hark back to the head-zapping torpedo fish have come into vogue among the country’s most prominent migraine researchers. In transcranial magnetic stimulation, a magnetic device is pressed to the back of the head, and brief pulses are delivered, altering electrical activity inside the brain in hopes of halting the migraine before it progresses. This approach is being studied only for patients whose migraines begin with an aura, or premonitory phase, that is typically characterized by flashing lights or other visual disturbances." - Amanda Schaffer, NY Times

Julia's note: This is the exact floating shape I see as a aura before the onset of a migraine. Drawing by Anton van Amerongen




10 - "Around 1550BC, the Egyptians would firmly bind a clay crocodile holding grain in its mouth to the head of the patient with shooting head pains using a strip of linen. The linen bore the names of the gods whom the Egyptians believed could cure their ailments. In actual fact, the process may have relieved the headache by compressing the scalp, and possibly collapsing distended vessels that were causing the pain." - Louise Alexander, HeadacheAustralia.org.au















11 - Famous migraineurs: Julius Caesar, Friedrich Nietzsche, Sigmund Freud, Lewis Carroll, Cervantes (Don Quixote), George Bernard Shaw, Vincent Van Gogh, Claude Monet, Tchaikovsky and Elvis Presley. - National Headache Foundation








12 - "As I look at my work from the perspective of living with Migraines, I see imagery that appears impervious to many things. The subjects seem to be more than capable of preventing anything from hurting, altering or dominating them. Perhaps in some respects I've built them, whether in paint or clay, in the way I'd like to be, too powerful to be altered by many things, blinding 'beats' of pain being one of them." - Janet McKenzie, New York artist based in Vermont

Panel from a piece by Clayton Campbell




13 - "The daggers of pain continue but Courage gains power and holds off the Dark Knight till you are strong again." - 'Lady Sharon', a migraineur

Wordless Wednesday - 38

Photo by Associated Press

Poetry Train Monday - 39 - Expectation

This is another backstory poem, this time for Jocelyne, the young Dowager Countess of Moncrieffe. I posted an excerpt a few Poetry Mondays ago introducing her and the Scottish gamekeeper.
















Expectation


My father gazed down at his first born
Hopeful still for sons, enamoured of me
My mother and I welcomed sisters
Giggling together at pat-a-cake, pat-a-cake
But no son arrived - no heir, no legacy

My father ran his father's linen mills
Who then to school, to pass the reins?
My mother tutored us in grace and wit
While father hoped for sons-in-law
And the beaux arrived - an heir yet for legacy

My father never looked for landed sons
Yet they courted us the moment we debuted
My mother cried with joy the night I shared my news
Though "I do" made me a countess, she mere 'Mrs.'
But no child arrived - no heir, no legacy

My father vowed that grandchildren might show
The hunger for his mills, and well they might
My mother travelled to my sisters' childbeds
The years went by. No Mother's trip for me
No child arrived - no heir, no legacy

My husband, earl and lord, a solid man
Companion through my days, a kiss at night
And I wandering asleep - searching - someone
Until God called him home and wrenched from me
For no son could grieve - no heir, no legacy


Copyright - Julia Smith - 2008

4 Things Meme

Dorothy over at Scrungy and Friends tagged me for this one.

4 Jobs I've Had:


Live-in nanny to Claire. She was 14 months old when I started and 3 years old when I left. She'd started preschool by then.





I didn't go very far - I moved in with her uncle Dave! I'm still very close to her family and I'll always love her very, very dearly.






Sales associate at Simpson's Queen Street store in Toronto, Children's Shoes (later, also Infants' Wear and Nursery Furniture.)


I met my war buddy Lisa (because retail is in the trenches) and that makes the night sweats and flashbacks tolerable. She brings the silver-lining-to-every-black-cloud concept to life.



Reception and accounting clerk for a bankruptcy trustee's office. This is the most stress I've ever experienced in a job - ever. I hate accounting. How did I end up doing monthly reconcilliations? My best friend Connie summed it up perfectly: "It's not that you made mistakes. That would be understandable. It's that it balanced...!" The scary part is - I have no idea why it balanced.

Camera B operator, assistant editor and writer for Tales of a Psychic Medium. My uncle hired me for these three roles, and it was an absolute joy for me to work with him. And it was my very first paid writing gig - so this will always hold a very special place in my heart.

4 Movies Watched Over and Over:


Gladiator















Kate and Leopold

















Phantom of The Opera
















Sleepy Hollow
















4 Places I Have Lived:

Fort Hood Army base, Killeen, Texas, USA - for my first three months here on planet Earth
Royal Oak, Michigan, USA - until age 6
Toronto, Ontario, Canada - I moved there when I was 21 and left when I was 34
Yarmouth, Nova Scotia, Canada - arrived when I was 34 and left two years later

4 Shows I Watch:


CBS Sunday Morning












The Colbert Report













The Family Guy













King of the Hill











4 Places I Have Been:

Cavendish, Prince Edward Island, Canada
Lunenburg, Nova Scotia, Canada


Mackinac Island, Michigan, USA



That's my sister, 1985

She's in front of the Grand Hotel





Orlando, Florida, USA

4 Favorite Things to Eat:

Greek salad
Rice
7-Layer Burritos
Chocolate

4 Places I Would Rather Be:

At sea, sailing on a tall ship - haven't done this yet, but longing to
At the Chelsea Flower Show in London
In Scotland
In Sweden

4 Things I Look Forward To This year:

Typing 'The End' on several works in progress
Hopefully a joyful family event
Going up to Cape Breton for the Celtic Colours event - we've been wanting to do that since we moved back to Halifax 7 years ago
Seeing whether or not the three apple trees from seedlings my gram started will bloom for the first time

A-tagging I will go, a-tagging I will go...
Shelley, No Nonsense Girl, Ann, and Jill.